a halloween who's who

Tuesday, oct. 31, 2006   |   0 comments

Over the years I’ve noticed a series of patterns emerging out of the sea of clowns, mummies, and Steve Irwins that make up Costume Day. These patterns are forged by specific personalities who always seem to gravitate to certain types of costumery each and every Halloween. It’s pretty much guaranteed that whatever party you’re heading off to tonight, you’re for sure going to run into one or more of the following:

The Garbage Man
There’s a particular breed of person who meets the implied challenge of a costume party invite by walking to their closet and just throwing on a “bunch of crazy shit.” A feather boa. A weird sparkly shirt unbuttoned injudiciously low. A necktie tied around the head. People ask The Garbage Man, “What are you supposed to be?” And The Garbage Man just answers with a shrug, and then goes and stands right in front of mind-meltingly loud speakers, where it stays, swaying only slightly, for the rest of the night. Bonus: The Garbage Man who adds to the confusion by dousing itself in blood. Triple-cherry bonus: The Bloody Garbage Man who gets very, very drunk and then refuses to leave the party, even after the hostess has changed into pajamas and very much would like to go to bed.

The Punster
I’m white and covered in garbage. Get it, I’m white trash! I’m a pregnant beauty pageant contestant, get it, I’m Miss Conception! I’m an tender worm dressed in striped pajamas. Get it, I’m jail bait!

The Usual
This is the type who insists on wearing the exact same costume each and every year, often something inspired by the military, something with period weaponry and leather harnessing, something that requires lots of “accuracy of detail.” Ritual-loving sticklers such as these are so pleased with their costumes, they often scrape together alternate reasons to wear them, such as Burning Man or the Renaissance Pleasure Faire.

The Shim
These typically mild-mannered sorts are the ones who arrive at the party dressed in drag and then spend the whole night wondering why more people aren’t shocked and titillated by their bent genders.

The Girl Who Dresses Sexy
Whatever she’s wearing this year — the Sexy Nurse costume, the Sexy Kitty costume, the Sexy Space Alien costume, the Sexy Auditor costume — rest assured you’re going to see a lot of thigh. And tits. Don’t forget the tits. (I can’t believe you almost forgot the tits.)

The Character Study
There are those who go beyond simply dressing up as some famous person or character. They revel in going the extra mile in that person’s shoes; they become the character for the duration of the costume. Like if the guy comes dressed as Michael Jackson, he’ll insist on talking in a high, tight whisper as he makes entendre-laden comments about how kids must be this high to ride this ride, or how little pitchers have big … mouths. Usually by the end of the evening, everyone is so creeped out by the relentless authenticity that they stop talking to The Character Study, and he’s left sitting alone on the couch, quietly adjusting his one sparkly glove.

The Nothing but Speedo, Cape, and Vader Helmet
Didn’t I see you crossing Haight Street on Saturday Night? I thought that was you! Nice work.