age-earned rules to live by (partial list)

Thursday, sep. 25, 2003   |   0 comments

- All the drinking you did in college may have you thinking you “know your limit,” but you don’t, no. There are way too many x-factors — the liberality of the bartender’s pouring, the vitamineral fortitude of your previous meals, your menstrual condition — for you to be able to predict the effects of that third drink with any scientific accuracy. Alternating drinks with water helps, but it can not be relied upon to stop you from “telling it like it is” or “weeping.” Also: No Jagermeister, ever never.

- Just stop with self-defecating comments, okay? Not only are they total conversation-stoppers, but if people hear them enough, they start to believe them.

- You never know when the unknown asshill at the dinner party is someone you’ve always secretly admired, the designer of your bestest cute top, or the author of the gameboy novelette you so love, or the owner of your favorite chocolate outlet store. So, just to be safe, treat everyone as though they’re famous for some specific and awesome something, and suck up accordingly. (Basically just a hyperextended version of “do unto others” — extrapolated from something said by incredibly talented and well-groomed and important Todd.)

- Dress and apply lipstick as though every day is the day you will run into the Ex Who Matters. (Basically an updated version of “wear car accident-appropriate underwear.”)

- Sunblock, vegetables, floss, sleep, water, padded socks for running, expensive bras, the right mattress, a high-end vacuum cleaner, cashmere, POSTURE.