secret games, gollum's brother, dirty mangos

Wednesday, jan. 7, 2004   |   0 comments

First of all, yes, I am home, finally. Yes! And girl did I hit the ground trotting? Yes.

My flight from LA (I sat next to the most awesome seven year old who told me that we’d invent time travel by the year 3000, for sure) landed just in time for me to slap on some sparkly pants and race out for an endless parade of champagne and chicken breasts on New Years Eve. Fittingly New Years Day began with a truly grody hangover, one of those archetypal, 1930s morning afters where you’re all squinting away from light and begging people to “shhh” and holding a patterned-fabric ice-pack on your head. But Jill’s elaborate brunch, with its endless supply of juice and coffee and Pepsi and bodacious frittatas and “facon and fauxage pie”, fixed me right up. Then Saturday night I went over the Keith and Rachel’s for baby-squeezing and nut chomping. Tada!

And now, to round out the update, a quick “est of” list:

proudest moment of the week

Adrienne’s first-ever Court TV script airs tonight! At 8:30! It’s a new series called “I Detective” and the episode is called “Secret Games.” Secret Games! I just know how much you love secret games.

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terrifyingest headline of 2003

I ran across this unhinging headline sometime in mid-December and it continues to wow me. Ready? OK: “Earth’s Magnetic Field Weakening”. You don’t even have to read the article to appreciate it. I know, because of course I never actually read it myself.

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looniest spam of the century (to date)

I got this a few weeks ago, and I have been reading and waxing and buffing and polishing it like a shiny star ever since.

Subject: Re:Gollum

Hi Gollum its Sharon. I was shocked, when I found out that it wasn’t you but your twin brother, that’s amazing, you’re as like as two peas. No one in bed is better than you Gollum. I remember, I remember everything very well, that promised you to tell how it was, I’ll give you a call today after 9. He took my skirt off, then my panties, then my bra, he sucked my tits, with the same fury you do it.

He was writing alphabet on my pussy for 20 minutes, then suddenly stopped, put me in doggy style position and stuck his dagger. But Gollum, why didn’t you warn me that his dick is 15 inches long? I was struck, we fucked whole night. I’m so thankful to you, for acquainted me to your brother. I think we can do it on the next Saturday all three together? What do you think? O yes, as you wanted I’ve made a few pictures check them out in archive, I hope they will excite you, and you will dream of our new meeting…

Best of all (or really “second best of all” because clearly “writing alphabet on my pussy for 20 minutes” is the supreme best) was that the email came with an .exe attachment, like what kind of NASTY, MIDDLE-EARTH NAUGHTINESS is that going to inflict on my computer, I wonder and wonder?

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the best little hairhouse in marin

That’s the actual name of a salon I just discovered in my parents’ neighborhood. It’s unbelievable, but it’s true, it’s … The Best Little Hair House in Marin.

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nastiest food poisoning ever (maybe)

Monday night I bad-lucked into a couple of “dirty mangos” and spent the following night and day hurling and cramping and woe-is-me-ing, thereby missing the keynote address at Macworld. (What was it Thom on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy said? “Want to know how to sound like a total loser? Say that again.”) Admittedly, I was more excited about using my PRESS PASS than witnessing the event itself, but still. Even watching John Mayer do Cream covers is better than barfing out my holes for six hours straight. Just a little?

I am happy to report, however, that as of today, all food and water that I administer orally is staying down and in. And when you find yourself feeling supremely grateful for that reason and that reason alone, you just know that 2004’s off to a great start.

Happy new year!