the glass is half full ... half full of urine

Tuesday, jan. 7, 2003   |   0 comments

You always hear people complain about their hideous driver’s license pictures. But let me tell you, having a cute picture, which I do, I really do, really, is actually kind of worse.

I was at the post office last week, and the sociopath postmistress took a look at my ID and said, “Hahaha, you look much better as a blonde!” (It’s important to note that the picture was taken SIX YEARS ago, back when I was vaguely tan and had long, bleached-white hair piled on my head, versus what I am now: 32 and pale as a tuber with short, black, lonely-goth hair.) And I said, “Hey, thanks!” not out of sarcasm but because her upbeat, smiling delivery confused me momentarily into thinking that she’d actually given me a compliment. But then my brain caught up with my mouth, like three hours later, and I managed to squeeze out a little pout at her just in time.

Most people just scream “Wow! You look SO GREAT in this picture! I mean, seriously. Wow.” And it always feels like a kind of backhanded compliment. Like the cuteness of the picture is only noteworthy because it looks nothing like me in real life — I mean, if I my real-life cuteness was as advanced as the cuteness in that picture, why would anyone make such a big deal out of it?

But I’m used to it. My first driver’s license picture, taken on my sixteenth birthday (the very day I lost my virginity!) was also problematically cute. I think that’s one of my innate talents: I’m incredibly photogenic, but only every ten years, and only at the DMV. It’s a talent that is only outshined by my amazing ability to find the con in any pro.