unexpectedly unexpected

Wednesday, nov. 8, 2006   |   0 comments

The Safeway next door just underwent a grand remodel, and to celebrate the new look, they rented a huge hot-air balloon thing and placed it on the roof for the weekend. The base of the balloon featured a sign that declared the New Safeway’s New Slogan: “Experience the Unexpected.” (Caroleen, dropping me off after our immense dog hike on Saturday, 8+ miles!, saw that tagline and said, “Wait, my groceries are how much?”)

You can just smell the focus group on that one, a bunch of people sitting around a beige conference table, checks in their pockets, cheeks flushed with the titillation of hidden cameras, saying things like, “What about animatronic fiddlers in the cereal aisle?” and “Groin-level massaging fingers in the meat section, please!” and “I want that feeling of someone finally loving me back, only inside my grocery basket.” And then the focus testers boiled it all down to “Experience the Unexpected.” But if any sane person actually thought about it for two seconds, that sane person would realize that the last thing a grocery shopper wants out of a grocery store is Exxxtreme Unexpectedness. No, what I really want is just “Everything Exactly Where I Thought It Would Be, and Also Some 2% Milk.” Or something that at least describes the actual New Safeway experience with a degree of accuracy, like, “More Aged Panini Sandwiches, Less Actual Groceries” or “Thirty Feet of Ice Cream, Plus Magazines to Look at While You Wait to Buy Up and Start Gorging.” But “Experience the Unexpected,” that is neither desirable or accurate.

But then on Sunday Marco rolled over to get some dried apricots and a can of tomatoes, and he was gone for a very, very long time. “How was the celebration that is the new Safeway?” I asked him when he finally got back. “Nothing was where I expected it to be!” he said, all frustrated. He totally experienced the unexpected! So maybe they got it right after all. By which I mean the tagline, which is at least accurate. The store itself, however, they did not get right at all.

Edited to add: Jill just emailed to remind me of the banner that the Safeway at Church and Market flew after their big remodel, which read “Re-Grand Opening!” Jill? I think you’re re-awesome.