hypocritic oaths

Saturday, mar. 15, 2008   |   0 comments

The following early formed high-horse ideals have made a hypocrite of me:

Dying your hair is a really stupid idea. Once you do it, you can never stop -- roots are a monkey on your back. Thus I will never dye my hair. (I bleached my hair for the first time in 1995, and I've been feeding that monkey ever since -- probably one of the contributing factors that lead to all my hair falling out.)

Tattoos are idiotic. No matter how much you think you like that Celtic design/flaming dice/cake'n'milk icon, there is no way you'll still be into it when you're 80. Thus I will never get a tattoo. No way. (Surprise! I did indeed get a tattoo.)

Buying stamps at the ATM is a rip-off. If you count how many stamps you get, there are TWO LESS than the amount you pay should give you. Thus I will always buy my stamps at the post office, where you get exactly what you pay for. (I broke this commandment this morning.)

Joining a gym is a total waste of money because you always, always, always stop going, yet, out of misguided optimism about how you're "going to start going next week," you never cancel your membership. Thus I will never join a gym. (Also a lie: I joined a gym on New Year's fucking Day, the ultimate cliched time of year to do so, stopped going three months later, and only just managed to cancel the $30 a month membership 1.5 years after I stopped going. And I wonder why I don't have money for coffee today.)

Therapy is for people who a) don't have friends, and/or b) have money to burn. (Seven weeks ago, I started going to a brain doctor. It's real great! I'm developing the tools I need to build a better, happier, healthier life! Soon all the vitriol will be burned from my life, and I'll be able to stop writing words like these.)

Cellphones are pretentious, give you head cancer, and are totally invasive (did I tell you about the time I went and say Schindler's List and the woman sitting behind me made a call to someone, probably her therapist, and was heard saying "This is SO SAD!" over and over). (I haven't acquired a cellphone yet, but my beau has one I use it all the time, which is almost worse: owning your own cellphone is bad, but borrowing cellphones is double-bad, just like non-smokers who "bum" smokes when they're drunk, playing pool, or both.)

Bonus -- my favorite punny headlines:

First, there's the hair salon "Curl Up and Dye" (this is one of my favorite genres: puns that work, kind of, but have totally negative connotations that no store owner in their right mind would ever want associated with their services or products, like "Doggy Styles," the dog grooming salon in Mill Valley).

In the category of "jokes that might appear in Margaret Cho's explosive vehicle 'All-American Girl'": the frame store "Framing Dragon" (similar, but not as good because it almost makes sense: "Up in Frames") and the bar, "Brew Moon." Speaking of which, Margaret Cho has become something of a leitmotif these days. Not only did Cintra Wilson just interview her in her Salon column (is it me, or did Cintra's column disappear, sans explanation, for over a year?), but Andrew of in-flux sites benicetobears.com and bn2b.com (and the new DiaryLand) fame name-dropped her in today's EGGPOST mailing! And, when I did a search on her (to find out the name of her ill-fated TV show, frankly), I found three whole sites dedicated to her! Isn't the Web amazing.

And then there's the one I saw this very morning in the window of a coffee shop: "Chai me!" I think this is a word-play exploration of "try me" or maybe even "buy me," but alls I thought when I first saw it was just "blow me."