won't somebody else please be my neighbor?

Thursday, nov. 16, 2006   |   0 comments

I present to you this note, found taped to our front door:

Due to the fact that I tripped over the table you placed in my doorway/walkway, and nearly broke my neck, this correspondence serves as a request NOT to put anything else that will obstruct my doorway/walkway in the future. You have a washroom/storage room where you can put your property; my doorway/walkway IS NOT a waste holding area for your throw-aways and trash.

(Okay, so far, so good. That’s a valid complaint. We totally did leave a coffee table and some weird nesting boxes to languish far too long in the shared foyer of our duplex. We apologize for the inconvience, and actually feel horrible about any tripping our stuff may have instigated. And yet…how nice it would have been if you had simply knocked on our door and asked us to move our things, versus calling our shared rental management company to complain, and then throwing our stuff away without warning, and then leaving us this note, which continues…)

I repeat: DO NOT PUT ANYTHING… NADA… ZILCH… NEIN… ZIP… NIL… NAUGHT… ZERO… NIET… NOTHING, NEVER — EVER in my doorway/walkway in the future. NO DISCUSSION! If you do not read or understand English, please have someone translate this communiqué. Anything that is there obstructing my doorway/walkway will be disposed.

Moreover, be assured I will not otherwise bother you, your dog, or whoever else lives with you in any manner, especially since you have been distant and not very friendly toward me anyway.

Respectfully,
[MY AWESOME NEIGHBOR]

Dear Awesome Neighbor,

Unfortunately since neither Marco nor I understand English, we were unable to read the part about how we should hire a translator, and thus we couldn’t quite comprehend your communiqué. Please resend!

Stay fun,
“Whoever Else” From Upstairs