I say it's my birthday

Wednesday, jun. 18, 2008   |   0 comments

Six layers of hamburger-identified chocolate and cream and airbrushed crunchy-lard frosting, courtesy of the Merritt Bakery in Oakland. And there are more fun birthday pics to be found over at the websites of Eric and Maggie.

I was born thirty-eight whole years ago today, at about 12:50 in the afternoon. It’s true! As my mother tells it, they celebrated the moment with a festive summer lunch of champagne and raspberries, smuggled into the hospital by my father. I’ve always love that little detail, my bearded dad tiptoeing down the White Halls of Labor with berries hidden under his Goodwill tweed.

And then my parents got divorced. And the hospital burned down. And my teeth grew in crooked. And then I knocked them out horsing around inside in slippery socks. But other than that (and the epic earthquakes, and the car fire, and the rug fire, and the layoffs, and the exploded appendix, and the getting caught stealing when I was five), these first thirty-eight years have actually been a pretty great!

Except that it sure doesn’t feel like thirty-eight. Like just last week, when strep grabbed me by the throat and I was forced to finally go in and meet my new primary care physician (a nervous giggler with a strangely appealing case of social retardation), the new-patient form asked me how old I was, and without hesitating, I wrote “27.” Twenty-seven! That truly is how old my brain thinks it is! But then I started listing all my ailments – the bunions and the alcohol intolerance and the weight gain and the patchy skin – and I went from feeling 27 to 907 in five seconds flat.

It didn’t really help much that my hypochondriac’s dream of a doctor answered each one of my concerns with an almost comically depressing three-alarm answer. In response to the sight of my blotchy face skin: “So, is that cancer?” About my new and great intolerance to alcohol: “We better check you for liver failure. And diabetes.” And in response to absolutely nothing at all: “Let’s check to see if your eggs are still viable. After all you are 37, so if it isn’t already too late [to have kids? to be a young genius? to become an Olympic gymnast?], you better find out if it’s time to start hurrying, right?” Right!

Me and my rotten eggs are celebrating our goodbye to 37 (sort of a blah year, I’d say) with a hamburger party, which as those of you who have thrown your own hamburger parties know, involves a large, lard-frosted cake dyed and sculpted to look exactly like a gigantic hamburger, plus ten full pounds of beef.

It’s my opinion that any year that begins with gross amounts of beef (both real and cake varietals) is bound to be mighty. And I really do have high hopes for thirty-eight, what with all the fun I already have lined up on my horizon. Just look:

• This weekend I get to hang out in scenic Humboldt County with my favorite Kristin!
• Fourth of July weekend it’s to Russian River with Annie and Eric!
• Saturday, July 19, I’m scheduled to appear on Maggie’s panel at Blogher alongside Sarah and Melissa, two ladies I’ve long admired and whom I am just Christmas-morning eee!xcited to actually finally flesh-meet!
• Early August: Yosemite with Jill and Caroleen? Maybe? If I can get the time off work?
• Late August: My 20th high school reunion (I actually wouldn’t say I’m looking forward to this, per se, but it just has to be better than last time, right?). October: To Brooklyn to see Todd and Lisa get nupped! My heart is already swollen in anticipation of this one. And I already have my dress all picked out and dry cleaned! I am ready! Let’s go!

But first: Ten whole pounds of all-beef patty fun.

today's oral fixation

Tuesday, may. 27, 2008   |   0 comments

Right now I am wishing I had many dollars to burn regarding this orthodonculous gold retainer necklace, which at $300 is pretty much a bargain seeing as actual, tooth-reforming retainers are probably costing a lot more than that these days?

I wonder whose mouth they got as the model…Pam Dawber, maybe. Or Al Roker? And more importantly, if I start wearing this retainer in earnest, by which I mean in my mouth, will my smile eventually take on those very star qualities?

bedside anthropology

Wednesday, may. 21, 2008   |   0 comments

Look! Captured! A rare glimpse of Marco’s bedside table:

What we have here:

• Mid-century Scandi-modern tripod lamp from eBay


• Blue-glow LED clock from the future, via the MoMA Store


• Puka-shell necklace from the tropical Hawaiian island of Kuaui


• Generic motel ashtray filled with six screws and a guitar pick


• Jaunty kerchief

Am I living with Schneider from One Day at a Time? A time-traveling gay man? A Dr. Frankenhangten who, as the inimitable Pamie suggests, is “planning on building a surfer”?

camino for real!

Tuesday, may. 20, 2008   |   0 comments

So Camino, the fine-eating restaurant up the street that’s been trying to open its doors for like a year now (it started out as a furniture store, so I guess it had a lot of metamorphing to do) is finally, finally open for business! Marco and I sort of crashed the opening party on Friday night when we innocently strolled slowly by, our necks craning for a glimpse inside, and then a friend of a friend recognized me and we got pulled inside, yay! It’s very pretty in there, all exposed brick and crazy-huge chandeliers and wooden ex-church chairs (bought in bulk on eBay!). But it was very hot and crowded, and we were already packed full from our own dinner which meant we couldn’t take proper advantage of the free food and drink and gawking.

So last night Marco and I decided to do it right and we threw on some finery and marched all 200 feet or so up there and asked for a table. And there was already a wait! On their second night open! (The owners, at least the man half, come from a long tenure at Chez Panisse, so they do have the momentum of reputation on their side.)

We happily agreed to do our waiting at one of the cute vintage metal painted tables at the bar, where I got myself a one of their special tart and icy ginger-mint-“rhum” drinks—pure liquid delight. And then we had a pork-spread toasty thing, which tasted way better than it sounded and also looked (tan, tan, and more tan). And then we noticed none other than Alice Waters and her entourage of ponytailed and natural-fibered Berkeley sorts at the bar—so clearly everyone had to wait!

But soon enough we were seated at one of the bowling-alley-long communal tables, where more drinks were ordered and sipped down with vim, and we got down to eating—sausage salad for Marco (possibly the best sausage I’ve ever sausaged?) and artichoke heart and nettle surprise with polenta for me. Glorious! And then for dessert a cherry crumble with generous dollop of whipped heaven on top!

For those who share my fear of the “popping eyeball” sensation some cherry-related deserts offer, I can assure you that this is a sweet you can order without risk of off-putting mouth sensations! For that crumble was all sticky and gooey, and not at all pop.

Another word to the wise: Don’t miss the jet-propelled air blasters in the bathroom, which assault your hands with so much force they cause your skin to ripple and morph. You know how in the movies, when the guy is strapped to the front of a speeding train and his face starts to flap and pool outward? Like that.

In short, Camino on Grand: offering sausage salads, nettled things, loose cherries, and also bathrooms that will simply blow you away! Bam! Who just typed that? I did.

three yays for ebay!

Monday, may. 19, 2008   |   0 comments

I am, generally speaking, a gigantically huge fan of eBay. (Some may even say unhealthily so? What with my 96 positive feedbacks, wow?). But the times I love eBay the most are when it allows me to reconnect with items that I’ve fallen hard for elsewhere but never thought I’d be lucky enough to get my own hot, stumpy hands on.

My top three such love re-connections are, in descending order:

3. The Technicolor Bird Tray
I so admired this Deka bird tray when the Thrift Store Addict landed it on one of his miracle St. Paul thrift-a-thons. In truth, I was a even a wee sick-green with the jealous? But thanks to his lovingly detailed description (he’s always so good about listing, if at all possible, the maker behind each of his purchases), I was able to turn to eBay, type in the key details, and there it was!

2. The Technicolor Dream Dress
This BCBG Max Azria dress was listed for a very long time at Bluefly for a mean price of over $400. Ridiculous! And yet I was still sorely tempted to Add to Shopping Cart. But before I could give in to the heady lack of oxygen in that sky-high price tag, I took a peek for the dress on eBay, and lo: my second all-time greatest eBay triumph!

1. The Insane Miniature Aluminum Briefcase
Ten long years ago, I wandered in to a boutique in LA, one of those crazy high-end places where you have to ring the doorbell before you’re allowed in to even shop inside? And tucked between all the jewels and finery, there it was: The Insane Miniature Aluminum Briefcase. I fell in love on sight and bought it so hard for, I think, a whole $22. And I then proceeded to bring it with me everywhere, from brunch to business meetings, where I would, with much seriousness, whip it out and snap it open like it contained documents of the very highest importance. In fact I whipped and snapped it so frequently that over time the hinges broke off. And then the locks. All the kings horses and men and I tried to glue things back together, but it kept on breaking, and soon I was reduced to the indignity of wrapping rubber bands around the its mini waist, thereby killing the visual awesomeness of it all. Finally, and which much sadness, I put the insane miniature aluminum briefcase out to pasture. But I still spoke of it fondly, pausing over drinks with friends to reminisce over the good times we had with that insane mini aluminum briefcase.

And then one day I had the bright idea to search for a replacement on eBay. It took some work to come up with the right combination of search terms (“small, metal, cardcase, snaps, awesome”? “card holder, briefcase, impossibly small”?. And then…Eureka.

Isn’t it perfect(ly insane)? Lucky for you, there’s plenty more where that came from.